It’s really hard to believe that I’ve been peddling as an entrepreneur since 2008. Doing my thang. Pushing my creations out into the world. At first it was easy and exciting to put my art out there. The level of excitement created a sort of euphoria that gave you the courage to hit “post” over and over again. As I started to dig a little deeper and a little deeper into photography education, I began to see where I didn’t quite measure up. This slowed down the train but it kept chugging.
Fast forward a few years later, when I had a better handle on what I was trying to accomplish and create, someone local then used my idea, pretty much verbatim. It was a constant flip between flattered and pissed. Flattered that one found my images so inspiring they had to recreate it their self. Pissed that they were unable to infuse THEIR essence and put a spin on what my image inspired in them. Any one can copy. It takes someone super creative to take inspiration from another and make it their own.
So I stopped posting my work. I didn’t want to be copied. I believe all artists go through this sort of growing pain cycle. I am sitting on thousands of images that no one has ever seen. I honestly don’t know if they ever will. I’ve accepted that. And in this process, I am finding out who *I* am. What I like, what I don’t like. In every area of my life. Instead of taking a back seat and letting others tell me what they “think” I should be, do, create…I am standing in my power and exercising my voice.
My life is vastly different from a year ago: I am a certified Buti Yoga instructor. I am no longer in an office slaving over excel docs and proof reading contracts, I am waking up early (4:30am!!) to teach 5-12 year olds in Beijing how to read and speak English. This lets me work from home. I can do this work while my children are home. And they honestly do not miss me until about 7:30am when they start waking up. I have a better handle on the state of my home (re: level of clean/put together) and I actually KNOW what my daughter is learning/struggling with in her schooling.
Unfortunately, it is taking a toll on my husband, trying to navigate and get settled in the new routine of things. If anything, it should be much easier. I am officially Taxi Mom about 98% of the time. I am able to shoulder more house work and I’ve even picked up the man tools to fix shit around the house. Short of taking over paying bills, I am unsure what else I can do to alleviate the pressure he is feeling. I think a lot of his stress comes from pressure he puts on himself; to fix everything and do it NOW. There’s a level of pride you can only achieve when doing the work alone. Make note: doing the work alone is not always worth your sanity in the process. Been there, done that. So. I don’t ask to help, I pick up a hammer or move the things.
Today’s journaling prompt is: What do you really desire for your life? Write a dean vision statement in detail. Get specific.
I want my husband to come home with a huge ass smile on his face, happy to see his cheerful wife. Because I was NOT always cheerful. I was down right miserable to the Nth degree. I want him to want to hug me, kiss me, snuggle me…without groaning that physically loving me is a CHORE. I want him to open his heart and share the stresses, the concerns, the victories, the progresses…beyond skimming the surface. I want the DIRT. All of it. Soul level connection. I feel MOST loved when he connects with me on a soul deep emotional level. That opens my heart and turns me on.
I want my daughter to love school and love learning. To stop struggling in her school work. To stop crying everyday in school. She has a huge move this summer, as her elementary school is closing and her class is getting moved to a new elementary school. Bigger. More kids. Growing pains. I want to see her THRIVE. Without my husband or I turning into the homework Tyrant, breathing down her neck, trying to get her to “hurry up and finish” because life (Facebook, youtube) calls. I want her to fall in love with yoga, as a means to calm her anxiety and work through the growing pains she is going through mentally, emotionally, physically. I want a DEEP connection with my daughter; I do not feel like I have that currently. I feel like I play second fiddle to Grammy. While I truly appreciate the bond she and Lily share, it also stings my heart a little. Because I don’t feel like we have a good bond. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe it is not. Maybe we are too alike, or I am too impatient with her overly emotional crying jags. She relied on SOLELY me until I was pregnant with Malcolm and being so so sick and miserable I had no choice but to shoulder her off onto Dad…who was usually watching TV in another room.
I want my son to figure out pooping in the toilet is AWESOME and diapers totally suck. I’ve tried stickers. M&Ms. Tootsie Rolls. A prize box with everything from: stickers, match box cars, shop kins, Tsum Tsums, play doh, bubbles…. seems no amount of praise and bribery is working. Even when his butt and balls are on fire (why one shouldn’t eat ALLLL the pepperoni, ah-HEM)…I still can’t get him to use the potty. Maybe 2.5 is too young? I’ve heard boys are harder to potty train. I also want to move beyond this “I can’t” stage, as it’s seriously emotionally exhausting. His “I can’t!!!” statement quickly turns into full blown tantrums: anger, crying, rage, feet kicks, arms folded, running away, bedroom door slamming. Little boys harbor a lot of rage…as do their grown up counter parts.
From a business stand point? So many things are rattling around that it’s hard to tack one down. So let’s break it up a bit and see what we find.
Yoga – I will finish my RYT 200 hour (Registered Yoga Teacher training) in mid July. This opens the door to teach a Hatha-Vinyasa style yoga on top of Buti Yoga, Buti Flow, and Hot Buti Yoga. I already have an early morning “Yoga on the hill” on schedule; a bride and groom will be starting their day off with a yoga flow watching the sun rise before they get into the hustle and bustle of their wedding day! I am SO honored to create and share such a beautiful space for them. I’d love to do more private yoga classes and special events; whether it’s for traditional yoga or Buti. I have my eye on Advanced Buti training and DEEP training; Advanced Buti is for an invite into the master trainer program where I can then host trainings and DEEP is a restorative flow that focuses solely on the core. It’s AMAZING. All around. And is perfect for those who need to connect their brain to the muscles and heal diastasis recti/ab separation. Studio space is still on my plate. I like our current space, but it doesn’t give those yoga vibes as much as I’d like. And my ultimate goal is to GROW MY TRIBE. My attendee numbers wax and wane with the seasons, I want a HUGE tribe. There is nothing like the energy of a big class and I know the thought frightens people out of coming, but I SWEAR to you…it’s AMAZING! You will come out BLISSED AF.
Photography – I have morphed so much here. I am choosing to focus on boudoir/glamour, maternity and newborn. I’m really honing in on my style and with that the prop closet is slowly getting cleaned out. I am not booking full weddings, I have one left on my calendar for this year and besides a Justice of the Peace ceremony with coverage up to 3 hours. Buh-bye weddings. What was one my first love, I now no longer enjoy. And it’s very difficult to find a sitter for 8+ hours if my husband has something planned. Family first. I am also making it a point to share more of my work as the days move forward.
Coaching – I want to start a small accountability/massive action coaching circle. We will jump on a call and discuss what we are working on, where we are stuck, what action to take. If you are interested in joining, please DM: hello [at] gabrielleorcutt.com. I am currently working through a program that I hope to add to my list of services. It’s BOMB, and will completely change your life. We shall know more in September.
My day to day goal? Live life to the fullest with a bucket of compassion. Life is hard, DAMN hard, and it’s even harder when you fuel the stress and fatigue with being on an opposite team from your husband. Compassion bridges the divide; with your spouse, with your children.